I am sick to death of feeling fat.
When I lived in Korea, I went on a diet and lost 30 pounds.
Then I stopped dieting and lost more. I developed an eating disorder. Being
thin became my whole life. It controlled my decisions. I would refuse to go out
with friends on weeknights because I was afraid of getting fat. When I did go
out, I would be plagued by anxiety before and feelings of shame and guilt
afterwards.
Since February 2014 I’ve been on a journey to get over this.
And this journey has been terrible. It’s been the worst roller coaster I’ve
ever ridden. The engineers that designed this ride should be fired.
Every month I get bigger. I’ve thought for so long that I
was doing something wrong. All the health gurus and recovery blogs would have
you believe that if you just relaxed about food, you could eat whatever you
want and not gain weight. You would magically make the right decisions because
you will somehow instantly cure your obsession with food.
Well I have not cured my obsession with food. If I eat
whatever I want, I will gain weight. That is just how my body works.
As a result, I’ve been in a constant state of war. The whole
time I’ve been here in Peru I’ve been obsessed with not getting fat. I’ve
counted calories, and worked out obsessively, and berated myself for every
treat and restaurant meal.
Want to know what has happened? I’ve gained weight and I’ve
gone up a pant size. For the first time since probably my freshman year of
college, I wear a size 6.
And I’m ashamed. I feel terrible. I hate putting on fitted
clothes. I want to will myself back down to a 4. I would kill to be a 4. And
yet when I was a 4? I hated myself. I would have killed to be a 2.
This cycle has got to stop.
I’m putting my foot down. I’m making a statement. I’m not
going to care about my weight anymore. I eat relatively healthy and I live a
healthy life. Now that I am a size six, I finally have regular periods again,
for the first time since before I moved to Korea. I hike nearly every weekend.
I go for runs 3 times a week. I ride my bike. Last week I trekked across the
Andes Mountains with a huge pack on my bag. I’m clearly healthy.
But if I want to enjoy sweets, have coffee with sugar and
milk, and eat a Peruvian meal at lunch time, I’m going to do it. If I want to eat white bread with butter and
jam for breakfast, I’m going to eat it. I want to eat until I’m full and not
feel guilty. I want to look at pictures of myself and not feel ashamed.
I’m sick of the hate. I’m sick of the negativity. But most
importantly, I’m sick of wasting my time wanting to be thin.
Being thin is my most important goal. But I am going to
change this.
I’m 26 years old leading the most incredible life I could
ever have imagined for myself.
I have more important goals to accomplish.
I want to write a novel by the time I’m 30. I want to open
my own NGO. I want to go back to school and get a Masters. I want to cross
South America using only the power of my legs or arms with my boyfriend.
These are the goals that matter, not getting thin.
From this day forward I will not call myself “fat” out loud.
I will not restrict the food that I eat. I will not suffer through hunger pains
because I need to be smaller.
I do not need to be smaller. I need to be bigger. I need to
be the biggest version of myself that I can be. I need to be great.
I would like that add that even as I write this I am still
hoping that somehow something will click and I will magically shrink down to a
size 2. Fixing this issue is not as easy as making a declaration, but it is a
first step.
I will focus on the things in my life that are really
important. And being thin isn’t one of them.
I'm reading your blog. Whatcha gonna do about it.
ReplyDeleteI also want to say this year, more than ever, I am struggling with this. I am tired, I am angry, and I hate myself for hating myself so much. I wake up in the morning and look at my body and wish I could just lose weight. I exercise to be thin, not because I want to be healthy. Fuck, I am healthy, right? I go to a restaurant with friends and stare at the pizza because I know I shouldn't eat it. But then I want to enjoy myself. So I do, and then I feel the most incredible guilt of my life afterwards. It's horrible the things we do to ourselves. I love you and think you're amazing. And every time we talk about this I feel a little less alone and a little more beautiful. I'm with you. It's hard and it will never fully disappear, but I think the goal is being able to tell our demons to go and fuck themselves long enough to be happy with some nutella ice cream. <3
Eek so happy you are reading my blog! And I feel the same, I hate that you are going through this too, but I love that I have someone who understands. And you know I think you are beautiful, no matter what number is on the inside of your pants.
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