My Eating Disorder Struggle and Recovery

The story that I am about to relate has been casting about in my head for months. It wanted to be told. Or rather, I wanted to tell it. But something stopped me. I wasn't ready. It is a deeply personal and revealing account of a traumatic experience, and some people would probably consider this oversharing. But really what else is the internet is for?

I wasn't ready to tell this story until now. Hopefully by the end of this post you will understand why.

For the last 2 years I have been suffering from a debilitating eating disorder. I have never seen a professional therapist and I have never been diagnosed but I don't need a doctor to tell me what I know to be true.

Let's start from the beginning.

I guess it starts from my desire to be perfect.

Pretty much since I realized I was a female human being, right around the age of 11 or 12, I have had issues with my body. Body dysmorphia, as it is called. What young woman, or man, doesn't? I always thought I was fat. This feeling of inadequacy manifested itself as internal self-hatred. I now know that this results from, among other things, my tendency to compare myself to others. "I wish I had her legs. I wish I had her waist." Or it stems from the less obvious and more insidious comparisons like reading a book that describes a desirable woman as slim and thinking that I should also be slim, while fearing that I am not. Seeing pictures of women everywhere photoshopped into impossible bodies, and not being able to tell myself it is ok not to look like them. For whatever reason, I am extremely susceptible to these influences and spent more than a decade internalizing this idea of what a beautiful woman should be. I wanted to be beautiful, I wanted to be perfect, but I always felt that my body was out of my control.

Then I moved to Korea.

Talk about out of control. When you move from the English speaking western world to Asia, everything is out of your control. Tiny things such as buying laundry detergent without asking for help become major victories. It is easy to be overwhelmed. And when overwhelmed and feeling too much emotion, I tend to turn to food for comfort. So that is what I did in Korea. I ate. And as a result I gained weight. Looking back at photographs now, I can see that I didn't really gain so much weight, just a little. I was not the horrible fat slob that I saw in the mirror every day. But at the time, I was disgusted.

In November 2012 I decided it was time to get myself under control. I had read some quote somewhere attributed to Buddhism that said, and I paraphrase, mastery of the self is the greatest victory. This became my mantra. I joined a Bikram Yoga studio and made a promise to myself that I was going to be healthy. I was going to stop eating junk like dry packets of ramen noodles, and eat more veggies. Whenever I felt a craving for some junk food, I exerted total self-control and never let myself indulge. I took a 90 minute Bikram class every day. And at first these were positive changes, but I wasn’t losing weight.

Then I started counting calories.

It started out reasonable, I was eating 1800 a day I think. But soon I dropped to 1200. And even if I worked out, I kept it at 1200. Strict. It became a daily obsession. I spent so much time and energy focused on calories. I bought a scale and weighed every single piece of food that went onto my plate. Including lettuce. Seriously. I knew precisely how many calories I ate every day. I felt that I was healthy and in control.

I stopped listening to my body and only listened to my calorie counter. If I felt hunger, I ignored it because it was not a scheduled meal time. I made food that fit with my mathematic calculation of how I should be, instead of catering to how I actually felt. (Which was hungry)

I would have anxiety attacks at the thought of unplanned food. I never went out with friends on weekdays, because I was too afraid to eat calorically dense restaurant meals. Even within my own kitchen I developed fear foods. I feared cheese, and oils, and avocados, because they were calorically dense. I feared bread. I feared rice. I feared fruit. I even feared onions and garlic because they had slightly higher caloric value. Yeah.

On the weekends I would go out with friends and seriously let myself go. I would eat mountains. Drink horrific amounts. It’s amazing I still have a liver, really. And I would wake up on Sunday or Monday hating myself for my lack of discipline, and staring in the mirror for hours analyzing every inch of my body, desperately trying to ensure my 2 days of eating hadn't made me fat. The rest of the week was a punishment for this indulgence. Rinse, repeat.

But at the time, I simply thought I was being conscientious and healthy.

Oh yeah, please combine the above description of my eating habits with an absolute obsession with exercise. I never missed a day. I never took a day off. Or, if I had a rest day, it usually included a 6 mile walk or intense hike.

This lasted from November 2012 - August, 2013. By this time I estimate that I weighed in at or below 100 lbs or 48kgs. I had stopped weighing myself at 52kgs. I was shocked that my size 0 pants were falling off. I still looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. Even when I was bone thin, I looked in the mirror and hated it. I had convinced myself that if I lost the fat, I would be beautiful. Well I lost the fat, but the insecurities remained, only this time I hated that I looked more like a praying mantis than a human being.

I probably would have kept going down this self-hating, self-flagellating path, but 3 very important and disconnected things happened that August.

First, while running to catch the last bus home, I stumbled and broke my pinky toe, thus rendering me incapable of heading to my twice daily gym sessions.

Second, a very good friend started calling me "Auschwitz" after a few beers, and told me that in fact I was terrifyingly thin.

Third, I went to visit a friend from California in Tokyo. For the first time I remember what life was like before I was obsessed with every piece of food that passed my lips. When I could enjoy the flavors and the textures, and allow myself to eat rich foods just because they are delicious, and not feel guilt and self-hatred after the fact.

When I got home from Tokyo I looked in the mirror and tried to objectively look at my body. I was killing myself, slowly, but surely. My hips were a mess, constantly in pain from overuse. In fact, my whole body was a painful mess.

I would love to say that after that moment of realization, I decided to let go of all these habits and began healing, but the road to recovery is not so simple. In includes binge eating, and then restricting, and then binging again, and then restricting. So many tears, and days full of self-hatred and regret for the binge the night before, followed by another binge. I gained weight steadily, but I hated every pound. I constantly berated myself for getting fat again. I still worked out constantly and most days still restricted my calories and counted every single morsel that passed my lips.

Then I left Korea and began traveling.

I was terrified. I had no gym. I had to eat street food. Greasy, calorically dense, delicious street food. I could barely enjoy it. I started skipping breakfast as a way to control my caloric intake.

Still I did not listen to my body. I only listened to my mind which said, no, don't eat. If I felt hunger, I felt guilty for wanting to eat. If I ate till I was full, I felt guilty for that too.

Last February was my last true attack of restrictive eating. I went to a Yoga Teacher Training where they encouraged a vegan diet, and they prepared a beautiful buffet for us of the most healthy and delicious meals. I made sure to always only take one helping, I stayed away from rice, and I always left the table hungry. By the end of that month I was weak, thin, and angry with myself.

So I made up my mind. It was time to change. I had to get over this or it was going to take over my life. So I started eating. And eating. And eating. You think the guy from Man vs Food is bad, try watching a person recovering from an eating disorder. I never felt full. My body, after having been deprived for so long, wanted to make sure it could stock up in case it was struck by another famine.

I began eating my fear foods. I ate ice cream. I ate packaged food. Candy. Snacks. Street food. Bread. Sandwiches. It was glorious. I allowed myself to taste the sweet, decadent, oh so greasy fried foods that they sell from stalls in Indonesia. I indulged in multiple helpings of Dal Bhat in Nepal. I ate ice cream cones. And chocolate. I ate noodles and rice and fruit and I ate whatever I wanted.

And it was painful. I still hated my body. I was still healing.

This continued during my summer in America. Living at home with my parents, trying to find a job that I wanted, trying not to succumb to the listless depression that comes with unemployment. But even though it was tough and my relationship with food and my body suffered, I didn’t give up, and I did end up in Peru.

In Peru, for the first time in two years, I feel happy with my body. Not every day, not constantly, but I feel it, and it is amazing. I'm sure there are a lot of factors that influence this, including the fact that I have a new job, in a new country, and my energy is focused externally. I am meditating more and as I mentioned in a previous post, the very energy of the land here seems to have positive, healing qualities.

But there is one factor that has helped heal my body image immensely that I want to share: In Peru, I have no mirrors.

In Korea and the States, I was, we all are, surrounded by full length mirrors. It seems like every surface is reflective. And every time I passed one, it gave me a chance to look myself over and analyze what was wrong with my body at that moment. It kept my focus on my physical appearance and distracted from what is really important.

Here in Peru, I do not have a mirror in my bedroom or my bathroom. There is a small mirror in the teacher’s room at school where I check my face and hair before I go teach, but otherwise I am without my reflection. I cannot tell you how wonderfully liberating this has been. The change is drastic and incredible. I know that I am the right size for me. I feel that my body is powerful and beautiful, and more importantly, I am aware that it is a vessel for the mind and soul that actually make me who I am.

I feel liberated. Am I completely healed? No. I still have bad days. Nights where I catch myself eating extra food after dinner and feeling guilty. Days where I grab at the fat around my belly and feel gross. But really? I probably look beautiful. I would look beautiful if I gained ten pounds or if I lost ten pounds. The fact is that it doesn’t matter.

I’ve realized that we have a plague of vanity fed by images and mirrors. Here look at this model, now look in the mirror and see all the ways that your body is wrong. If you’ve walked down the street today, chances are someone thought you were beautiful. If you’ve had conversations today, chances are someone thought you were funny or charming or intelligent. This is what really matters.

And if you haven’t gone outside today, it’s probably time to step away from the mirror and focus your incredible mental energy on something more important than the size of your biceps or the best posture to ensure have a thigh gap.

Sometimes I see my reflection and I realize I am just a normal sized person who doesn’t need to lose weight. I glance quickly, feel content, and move on. When I think about how I used to think this body was ugly and fat, I start to smile. I was so foolishly vain. It doesn't matter. I look fine. The more important things are within me.

Because in the end it is not important what you look like, it really isn't. What is important is how you feel. How do you spend your day? How do you use the beautiful, amazingly creative and incredibly talented mind that all humans have? Focus internally, heal the soul, and the body will follow.

Perhaps this post reads as slightly dramatic. I will be the first to say that I am a dramatic person, but I actually toned down and heavily edited the above story. My hope is that you find it relatable. I know I am not the only person who struggles with this. If you struggle with your body, in an intense way, like the story I just recounted, or in a small way, please know that you are not alone, and that you are beautiful. If you want to talk, please send me a message. I'm pretty sure only my friends read this blog, but even if we have never met before and you somehow stumbled onto this post, please don't be afraid to shoot me a comment or a message. I am not a therapist, but I am a human and a listener. Society teaches you that your most important asset is your looks. You must be beautiful, and beauty only has one form. This is wrong. It is incredibly difficult to break free but we can do it. Embrace your inner divine.

First Weeks in Urubamba

Ok, It is now the start of my second week living and working in Urubamba, Peru. My brain is a little tired from using Spanish, even though I am able to use English at home. Every day, all around me is Spanish. This is good, this is great. I can feel myself learning every day. But it is an exercise in patience. I want to learn faster, to see myself improve faster. I want to be fluent now. But with patience, and hard work, I will gain close to fluency. I hope.

Many of the people here, even the tourists, they speak Spanish. Though at least two of my fellow teachers are at a low Spanish level, much like I am. That helps, because I am human and I do compare myself to others. When I am only around fluent Spanish speakers I feel that I have so far to go. But really, I am able to communicate… most of the time. There is nothing more frustrating than wanting to express an idea and not having the words to do it. Imagine human life before the development of language. There is a chicken and the egg debate for you.

My ability to speak Spanish also impacts my teaching. Right now I teach 3 classes, and will be adding a private this week. My first class is hotel English. This is fairly simple because the employees at the 5 star hotel that I am working with already have a high level of English, so what we work on together is more like troubleshooting. For example we explore how best to give a sales pitch for their membership program, and how to reply to guest complaints. Things like that.

Next I teach a class por los niños que tiene 5-7 años. So far my attendance has been spotty so I have only had one kid at a time. This makes it quite enjoyable because normally I'm not so fond of working with little kids. I prefer preteens and teenagers. I'm strange. I know. Anyway, the kids and I have mostly been working on numbers and colors and shapes. We do a lot of coloring, and then I read one of the Dr. Seuss books that I brought with me from my parent's house in the States. I mostly use Spanish to communicate to the kids, but I am trying to include more and more English as the weeks go on.

Then there is my adult class, Basic 2. This is by far the most challenging and the most rewarding. I really need to use Spanish to make sure they understand what I am asking them to do, but in reality I try to use only English in the classroom. This makes it very challenging for them, I can see this, but in the end it will earn the best results.

The style of teaching is completely different from what I learned in Korea. The atmosphere in my classroom and my style of classroom management is the same, but the material is different. So, what I love about teaching, that stays, and what I disliked, has changed. Now I am teaching more grammar. Yesterday we worked on Can/Can't. The students really enjoyed learning that unlike in Spanish (yo puedo, tu puedes, él puede, nos podemos, ellos pueden) in English it is actually simpler, I can, you can, she can… etc. Always can! Then by contrast we went over Do/Does. He does. Megan does. Everyone else do hehe.

Anyway I really enjoy it. I love seeing the moment in the student's face when something clicks and they hurriedly scribble down a note to themselves. Also, now in the second week the students are getting to be more comfortable with me and as a result are asking more questions. My absolute favorite part of teaching is when students get engaged enough to start asking tough questions.

What else can I tell you about my life in Urubamba? There is so much to tell!

Overall, I feel happier and healthier and more centered here than I have since.. well… childhood really. I know that sounds extreme but I've been thinking about it and it's true. For the first time since I hit 13 years old and noticed I was a female human and not some fairy creature from Narnia, I am happy with my body and not critically examining every inch of myself. I eat what I want, and eat healthy. Am I losing or gaining weight? I don't know and I don't care. It is liberating.

My meditation and yoga practice has become effortless. I wake up with the sun most mornings between 5-6:30. I know that is a big window but there it is. I practice meditation for 20 minutes and then go through an asana practice. A few mornings I have felt no desire for asanas and I did not punish myself for this. For example this morning I have woken up with a touch of a parasite and I know that my body needs rest. I also knew I wanted to focus on writing, and so instead of meditation and asana, I am writing this. And it feels right. I feel no guilt.

Hippies will say that the Sacred Valley of the Inca (where Urubamba is located) is one of the energy centers of the earth. A chakra, if you will. If you don't believe in that sort of thing then maybe you wouldn't feel it. Or maybe you would. I feel so in tune with myself, and as a result, so in tune with everyone around me. I try to remain skeptical about things that cannot be observed but there is something about this place…

And I'm not the only one that feels it. I have accidentally stumbled into a hippie enclave, and I love it. All of the expats here are of the earthy-crunchy-burning man variety. Last weekend I went to a little festival during the day where people were exhibiting their own projects, I bought a handmade crystal wrap, some Maras salt mixed with Andean herbs, and cerveza artesano. The best part? There actually is a mixture of locals and expats in this crowd! So it doesn't feel completely like neocolonialism (just a little bit…) And everyone speaks Spanish. Or at least tries to. So different from Korea…

How about some of my adventures since getting to Urubamba:

First off, I am living with Elise, the young woman who founded El Arte Sano, the NGO that I work for. She lives in a really charming house in the countryside outside of town. The house is four rooms and a kitchen, and all of them open onto a courtyard that would be more accurately described as a whimsically overgrown garden. There is a vine with habañeros, or some kind of spicy pepper, strawberries growing out from under the stones beneath your feet, mint everywhere, and even an apple tree. It is quite wonderful and I am truly grateful to be staying in her spare room. Though at the same time I am excited to get my own place and begin the nesting process.

The first weekend here I was invited to go on a hike with Elise and three other teachers from the school: Jessica and Shane, both from the US, and Henri, a Spanish teacher from Cajamarca. Also on the hike was Ho, a guy from Urubamba who runs mountain bike tours, and a woman from Lima whom Elise had met at a workshop in Cusco the day before.

Anyway, we took a combi van 20 minutes away from Uru, towards Ollyantay and stopped next to the Cervezeria. We began walking on some paths that ran along corn and potato fields. Before beginning the meat of our hike, Ho stopped, took out 3 coca leaves and offered them to Mamapacha, or the Incan mother earth, as a prayer for a good day.

Sidenote: coca leaves, from which cocaine is derived, are common as dirt here. You can literally buy them from every stall in the market. It isn't taboo in the least.

Ok back to the hike. Our first stop was an Inca ruin in the mountainside. At first glance it was just traditional terracing, with none of the monumental stone architecture that the Inca are so famous for. But we climbed to the top of the terraces and there found a cave. This cave was undoubtedly a sacred space. A large alter had been carved into the rock facing the valley while a false door was carved into the side of the cave, facing into the mountain. I felt as if I were standing in an ethereal portal at the top of the world. The serenity of the space compelled all of us to have a meditative moment of silence. It was a beautiful welcome to the Sacred Valley.

From there we headed up, and up, and up, and up into the mountains towards a waterfall. Ho, our guide for the day, kept insisting that we were almost there, for nearly 2 hours. That said, I really did enjoy it. The hike took us along more farm fields, through a few indigenous mountain villages, and then up into the craggy mountains. I love the mountains so much, and the Andes are truly spectacular. They compare favorably even with the Himalayas. And the variety of the ecosystems is something to behold. Over the course of 4 hours walking we crossed a river and farm fields, through arid near desert low bush covered mountains, and up into a densely forested deep green chasm between two huge craggy peaks. Increíble.

At long last we made it to the waterfall, a 30 meter tall crescendo. Sorry America, I do metric now.

Speaking of which, Urubamba exists at an elevation just below 3,000 m (above 9,000 feet). I've been here a week and a half now and I feel as if I have adjusted to life at this elevation. Unless I try to do difficult aerobic exercise. Like walking up hills.

Okay one more adventure. THIS Saturday that just passed was Urubamba day, or Urubamba's 175 anniversary. The party in the central square went on all night. There was a huge stage set up with Peruvian bands playing and I danced and danced and danced. One old man taught me some traditional peruvian dance and he twirled me around on the dance floor for ages. The cerveza was flowing generously and dare I say… dangerously?

The Peruvian style of drinking should be approached con cuidado. Someone buys one grande cerveza and one cup. Both are passed around and everyone in the circle fills the cup and drinks before passing it on. So you think you are only drinking a little. Well lots of a little is a lot. So let's just say it was a good night, and leave it at that, hmm?

And then I discovered that my wallet (with my debit card) and phone (which was also my camera) had fallen out of a massive tear in the side of my $1 purse I had bought in Thailand last year.

Oh well, I still have another way to access money and my person is fine so all is good. These are just material things.

Overall I am happy and healthy and looking at an option for an apartment in a few hours!

If you love mountains, architecture, archaeology, the intersection of ancient and modern cultures, spiritualism, South American Andean culture, or well.. if you love exploring, I can't encourage you enough to make Peru a priority. I know I am in the honeymoon phase but seriously, WHAT a honeymoon. I am so in love with this place.

Okay. Until next time,

Ciao!

Peru: First Impressions

I'm doing it again. I've moved to a new continent and am attempting to adapt to life in a new culture. This time around I'm not even going to live in a big city, but a small village high in the Andes mountains. More on that later, as of this time of writing I haven't even seen said village, so it would be more than a little presumptuous for me to write about living there.

Where have I been? Lima and Cusco. With a 22 hour bus ride in between.

First, Lima.

Lima is huge. Lima is spread out. Lima is dirty. Lima is crowded. Lima is deserted. Lima is beautiful. Lima is old. Lima is new. Lima is a city of contradictions.

My flight landed late, 10:30pm. I had one day of exploring, and left on a bus at 5:30pm the following day. Less than 24 hours in a city, is it possible to get a sense of it?

Yes and No.

After a quick hostel breakfast, I headed out to the nearest site, an archaeological site called Huaca Pucllana in the Miraflores district of Lima. A really pleasant 20 minute walk from my hostel, I avoided the major roads and instead wandered around back roads taking in the interesting mix of architecture. Miraflores, I would realize later that day, is a wealthier area of the city.

The site itself was closed. Only on Tuesdays. This was a Tuesday.

My next stop was the city center to see the Monastery of San Francisco. I thought I was being so clever, taking public transportation to get there instead of shelling out the 10 soles ($2-3) for a cab. So I took the metro to la estación central and exited, heading confidently in the way of my dreams.

This should not surprise you when I say I instead wandered around the very crowded, very interesting, very disorienting city center for 3 hours, without seeing any of the major sites I had intended on seeing. In short, I was completely lost.

I did stumble onto a street FULL of street food vendors, most of which I could not recognize but the smell was divine. I also found el centro mercado, a massive MASSIVE central market. There was a whole block just selling zapatos. A whole. city. block. And another of clothes. Another of electrical kitchen appliances. You get the idea. The energy of the place was electric. I managed to buy a SIM card for my phone.

Oh also, I did not use English once this whole day. It is so thrilling to communicate entirely in Spanish.

Eventually I wandered to a park that had a bunch of food stalls. Here I had chinchurrones for lunch, having no idea what chinchurrones actually were. The meat itself is deep fried and I can't say I was that in love with it. But la mujer quien servirme served the meat over steamed and fried corn. But not the traditional sweet corn, instead some crazy HUGE kernal really crunchy stuff. I love it. And the salsa picante era muy muy muuuuuuy picante. Me gusto mucho.

After my lunch I did hop in a taxi and ride for half an hour or more to another part of the city to visit the Larco Museum. Although pricey, I would highly recommend it to anyone with an interest in ancient peruvian culture.

Ancient Peruvian Sass

The collection is huge and well displayed. The presentation is thoughtful and you get a sense of the many different cultures that led up to the Inca.

Other bonuses: the museum has an erotic sculpture hall. And these aren't your standard phalluses either, but a whole range of sexual deviancies preserved forever in the medium of pottery.

It got much more graphic, but children may read this blog.

And lastly, the museum lets you see into their storage hall as well! That was my favorite part. Floor to ceiling shelves FULL of different ancient peruvian artifacts. It was an archaeology nerd's wet dream.

There were 3 or 4 giant rooms like this

After that excursion I headed to the bus station to take a 22 hour bus ride across the country. It was the longest time I have ever spent in one single mode of transportation. Got my first view of the Andes (Stunning, of course) and made it to Cusco. I love it here, but have only had one night of exploration. Will be in Cusco one more day and then I am heading out to my new home, Urubamba.

Little video I made when I woke up on the bus, foothills of the Andes.

Hopefully I will be able to keep up this blog energy this time and not lose it like I did in Korea.

Adios Amigos.

Tropical Mango Strawberry Smoothie Bowl

Fall is just arriving in New England. Actually, this is my first autumn here since 2006 and it is bringing on such intense nostalgia for long gone angsty high school days. But still, autumn was always my favorite time of year when I was young.

I basked in the autumnal glory during my morning yoga practice. Feeling extremely sore from a heavy lifting session yesterday, I spent the entire 90 minutes working in sitting and laying postures. Yoga is all about listening to your body and I'm so glad I did. Instead of feeling tired, I feel rejuvenated and healed.

View from my yoga mat this morning. Made "auto awesome" by google. Whatever that means.

So to celebrate the beginning of autumn and my post-yoga bliss, I decided to make a fruity, delicious breakfast.

However, this breakfast bowl has little or nothing to do with fall. It is instead a tropical wonderland of delectable flavors and healthy green additions that make it a nutrition packed filling breakfast that will freak out your parents and wow your health nut friends. Except the cereal. But I love cereal.

My favorite way to eat a smoothie is in a bowl. Basically you make the smoothie. Pour it in a bowl, and put whatever you want on top of it. Then mix it all up and voila! Amazebowl breakfast.


People get all weird about cereal these days because the "health" community decided to fear carbs. Just like they used to fear fat. Next they will probably decide to fear protein.

Anyway, if you fear carbs I'm sorry for you. It will be okay. But if you love cereal, try putting it on top of a smoothie instead of milk! Hint: It's delicious.


Aside from the fact they are really really ridiculously good tasting, why should you use any of these ingredients?

Obviously mango and strawberries are fruit. So they are fiber packed and nutrient dense, full of anti-oxidents and energy providing, slow digesting carbs. Spinach has loads of nutrients, most importantly calcium and iron, which becomes easier to absorb when you combine it with vitamin C. Vitamin C can be found in what? Fruit. Bam! Healthy and delicious.

Cinnamon has boatloads of health benefits, including helping to control blood sugar, it's anti-microbial, and the list goes on. This website I found has a list of 20 benefits. Seriously. 20. http://cinnamonvogue.com/cinnamoncommonuses.html

Walnuts? Also great for you. They are a nut though so just remember not to go too overboard if you are trying to lose weight, because they are high in fat. HOWEVER fat is good for you so eat them. They are good for your brain! Omega-3's for days.

Hemp seeds. Protein. Filling. Crunchy. Yummy.



Alright, recipe time!

Ingredients

For the Smoothie

1. 1/2 Mango
2. Strawberries
3. 1/4 package silken tofu
4. Handful of spinach
5. spoonful of Greens Superfood Blend (totally optional, but I like it)
6. tsp vanilla extract
7. dash of cinnamon
8. water

For the Toppings

1. More Strawberries
2. 2 Figs
3. Crushed walnuts
4. tbsp hemp seeds
5. Grape Nuts Cereal (or cereal of your choice)
6. Lots of cinnamon!

To begin: It's simple. Take all smoothie ingredients. Stick them in a blender. Blend until smooth.

But if you need more directions, see below:

Get your blender cup and put in the handful of spinach. Top that with some silken tofu.

Next, cup up your mango. Cut the top off the mango, then slice horizontal and vertical so you create a checkerboard effect. Put the bottoms so it all pops up all pretty like this. And peel off or cut off those nice little cubes and throw it in with the spinach and tofu.

Tip: I like to cup up the whole mango in one go, and stick the rest in the freezer for later. Frozen mango makes great fake ice cream.

Cut up your strawberries and add them to the mix. Top it off with the green powder blend, cinnamon, and vanilla. Now add as much water as you like, depending on your desired consistency.

Blend until smooth.

Pour this lovely mixture into a bowl.

Now for toppings!

Cut up the figs by cutting them in half, half again, and half again. Add to bowl.

Cut up strawberries. Add to bowl.

Crush walnuts. Add to bowl. Are we seeing a theme here?

Add the hemp seeds and cereal. Stir it all up! 

Add a generous sprinkle of cinnamon.

Devour.

I hope you love it. If you want more sweetness may I suggest adding dates, honey, or maple syrup. I prefer a more subtle sweetness but that is just me. If you have any suggestions or ideas for improving or changing this up, please leave a comment and let me know!

Delicious Falafel Pancakes!

Hey everyone! Here is another recipe from deep within the recesses of my crazy mind. And yes, it is as delicious as it sounds, falafel pancakes.

Everyone loves falafel right? Those deep fried balls of chickpea wonder from the Mediterranean. It has been one of my favorite meals of all time since I first had it in London when I was 12.

For this culinary experiment, I used garbanzo bean flour, cumin, lemon, onion, garlic, and sea salt to get that falafel taste, and conveniently, garbanzo beans, also known as chickpeas, are gluten free! So for those of you whose bodies hate on wheat, these pancakes are for you.

Personally, I’m not a huge fan of coriander or cilantro, but you could add those to get an even more falafelly flavor into these pancakes.

What I DID add which is probably pretty weird, is ground up flax seeds, gives some healthy omega 3’s and replaces egg in the pancake batter. I also blended onion and garlic right into the batter, AND because I love to include green things in every meal, I blended some broccoli into the batter as well. I really wanted to blend zucchini in, but I didn’t have any in the fridge. Oh yeah, also sliced up some mushrooms and threw those in with the pancakes as well.

Who invited broccoli to the party?

Garden fresh onion

To top it all off, literally hehe, I chopped up cucumber, tomato, avocado, and drizzled some lemony tahini dressing all over it. So creamy. So omfg delicious. And vegan. WHAT?

To be clear, I did not use nearly that much cucumber...

Seriously, this was the most delicious and filling breakfast of ALL TIME. But let it be known, making it is a laborious act of love. This is not a quick, 5 minute breakfast, this is a lazy sunday morning let’s-get-super-hungry-while-we-cook-incredible-pancakes breakfast.

Or, if you’re between jobs like me, it’s a perfect let’s-procrastinate-sending-more-resumes-into-the-abyss-and-cook-amazing-pancakes breakfast.

And if you’re a calorie counter, it comes out to under 500 calories. Yeah. I’m awesome. You’re welcome.

So without further ado, the ingredients list:

For the pancakes:

• ½ cup garbanzo bean flour
• ¾ cup water
• 1 tbsp ground flax seed
• 1 tsp baking soda
• pinch sea salt
• 1-3 tsp cumin
• ½ onion
• 2 cloves garlic
• 2 mushrooms
• 1 spear broccoli
• juice of a nice sized wedge of lemon

For the topping

• ½ tomato
• cucumber
• ¼ avocado

For the Tahini Dressing

• 2 tbsp tahini
• 2 tbsp water
• lemon juice
• 1 clove garlic
• sea salt
• drizzle of honey

ALRIGHT! The prep work. Learn to love it my friends.

I buy whole flax seed, because it keeps longer than ground flax seed. I also have a nutribullet which is AMAZING and turns flax seed into flaxseed meal in about .5 seconds. So do that first, if you need to.

Next, combine all DRY ingredients, flour, baking soda, flax seed meal, salt, and cumin and whisk them or blend them together. Set aside.

Take your onion, I was lucky enough to have a yummy onion grown in my own garden! Just harvested! Cut it in half, and cut that half up into little bits. 

Chop up the broccoli just for good measure.

Now, take half of that onion pile, so ¼ of the onion, and throw it in the blender/food processor with the dry ingredients. Also throw in 1 garlic clove, the lemon juice, the chopped up broccoli, and the water. Blend.

**If you do not have a blender or food processor, no worries, just use garlic and onion powder and forget about the broccoli, it's not necessary**

***In terms of water: I err on the side of too little, and whenever I make pancakes I always end up adjusting once I start cooking the batter and see how it actually cooks. Just remember, you can always add MORE water, but its much more difficult to make batter thicker***

OKAY. So our batter is all done. Give it a little taste test. Is it delicious? Good. It’s not? Add salt? Add cumin? Add lemon?

Now, your onion is already chopped. Next chop up a clove of garlic, and chop up those mushrooms into pieces. Mix them all together in a small bowl. Excellent.

Now take all of it and put it together in a bowl.

Before we start cooking lets just prepare everything yeah? Dice the cucumber, tomato, and avocado. In the end I ended up just mashing up the avocado and spreading it on the pancakes but you know your own tastes.

Combine all the tahini dressing ingredients in a (different) blender cup and blend until smooth and creamy. Set aside.

Get out some olive oil and paprika and then….

Woooooo! The fun part! Cooking!!

Get out your favorite pancake griddle, and some olive oil to grease the pan. Product placement: if you live in the States, get your butt to Target and get one of these Misto things. It sprays olive oil and it is genius.

Seriously go buy one. Right now. You'll thank me.

Okay so heat up your pan and spray some olive oil. Then take a small handfull of the garlic, onion, and mushroom mixture and start to sauté, only for a little bit. The mushrooms should start to brown. If they start to burn, turn the heat down. Now gather them into a little group in the middle of the pan, maybe add another spritz of olive oil, and pour your first test pancake on top. I like to use a ¼ cup measuring cup to dole out smallish sized pancakes.

Time to add pancake batter!

This is a good time to see if your batter has enough water. Mine did not.

Pancake batter fail.

If you’re new to the pancake world, here is how to properly cook a pancake.

1. Pour the batter onto the pan.
2. Watch it bubble. When the bubbles don’t disappear back into wet batter but instead stay visible, then it is time to flip.
3. Flip pancake.
4. (optional): Forgive yourself for making a mess of a perfectly pretty pancake.
5. Let it cook longer than you think it needs.
6. Remove from heat, add next pancake.

Q: Should I flip this pancake? A: Yes.

I usually develop a system where I have 2 pancakes going at the same time, one has been flipped one is new, so when it is time to flip the new one, it is time to take the finished one off of the pan.

I also started sprinkling paprika on the pancakes. Yummmmm…

Once you’ve got your glorious stack of falafel pancakes stuffed with onion, garlic, and mushroom then all that left is to load that stack up with cucumber, tomato, and avocado, and drizzle some of that tahini dressing all over it.

Devour.

What do you think? Am I crazy? Crazy stupid? Crazy genius? If you tried this recipe, what changes did you make? I would love to hear some feedback!